The--dun-dun-dun--Secret Plot!
by Madgirl Insane
Summary: A SNEEZE ficlet! Funny, sorta.... Hermione sucks brains! Ahh!


****

A/N: A fic for the SNEEZE challenge. The requirements are:

-Someone must have a laughing fit a/l five times.  
-Must include flatulence.  
-Someone must say, "I stink, therefore I am."  
-Someone must treat dogs as people.  
-Must be a/l 750 words.  
-Rated no higher than PG.

Here ya go, Prathdrake! And the laughing dog counts as a person. So there!

"Oh, no!" Hermione said, staring at her mirror. "I have a _zit_!"

"O, like, M, like, G!" said Parvati, running into the room ditzily. "You think, like, _you_ have problems? I'm all, like, flatulent! It's like, I stink, therefore I, like, am!"

Hermione briefly pondered if Parvati was getting a bit more clever. After all, she had quoted Shakespeare-- well, sort of. But Hermione didn't wonder for long, because she had a much bigger problem to deal with!

"Urgh!" she said, shuddering. "That's just plain old nasty!"

So Hermione popped the zit. The nasty pimple went away, but in it's place was a big scar. Hermione wondered what she would do.

She walked into the Great Hall for breakfast. She figured no one would notice the scar. But everyone did, so the second Hermione walked in, everyone stood up and started laughing and pointing at her.

Everyone, that is, except Ron. He remembered that last year, Professor Sprout had told the class that Madam Promfrey could get rid of acne quite easily. So why hadn't Hermione remembered that?

Hermione was acting very depressed about her scar, so Ron thought it best not to ask her. He forgot about it (though the rest of Hogwarts sure didn't) until after dinner, when he was walking past Professor Flitwick's office. He heard two people talking, and he shamelessly began to eavesdrop.

"Hermione!" said Professor Flitwick's voice. "I hear you had a slip-up today, what with that pimple and everything?"

"I'm sorry," said a female voice. Ron tensed. That was Hermione! (Well, yah, Flitwick had already said that, but Ron's rather slow.) "I didn't mean to. I hadn't fed in a long time. It's so not my fault."

"Oh, I understand, Hermione," said Flitwick. It's alright. You may feed tonight."

"Wonderful, Master!" said Hermione, sounding rather excited. "But who, Master, who?"

"Hmm, let me think," said Flitwick, sounding thoughtful. "How about.... that Weasley girl? What is her name, Ginny? You may feed on her."

That was when Ron figured it out. Hermione wasn't really smart. She had simply been sucking intelligence from other students and using it for her own the entire time! And now she was going to take Ron's sister, Ginny!

Now, if this fic were written in even partial seriousness, Ron would now promptly start crying and sobbing, "But I thought I loved you, Hermione! What has happened?" Then he would either barge into the room and confess his love to Hermione and she would turn from her evil ways and they'd make out, or Ron would jump out a window. (Like in Stop the World! Yah! Go read my fic Stop the World, y'all!) Or, Ron could heroically have a battle of good vs. evil with Hermione to save his sister, whom he loves dearly. But this fic is not written in anything remotely related to seriousness, so that's not gonna happen.

So, instead of professing his life or jumping out a window or even trying to save Ginny, Ron instead hopped a plane to Washington, DC. Now, again, if this fic were written in even partial seriousness, Ron would go to the Ministry of Magic or Parliament or something. But I know even less about English government than I do American, so Ron hopped a plane to DC. Because Ron had decided that--dun-dun-dun-- the American FBI had planned all this!

Ron ignored the historical monuments like the Washington monument and headed straight to the White House.

"Hey, you! You can't go in there! Hey! Look! The birdies are tiiiiiiiiiickling me!" said Bill Clinton, who still thought he was president for some reason, as he fell into a laughing fit.

Ron ignored the scary man and walked right in.

"I want to talk to George Bush," he told a secretary-looking lady carrying a schnauzer. The woman ignored him and kept on talking to her dog.

"Hewwo, widdle Snookums. Snookums wanna go home and watch Sesame Street? Does he? Does he, you sweet widdle boy?" When the woman finally looked up and saw Ron, she started laughing hysterically. So did the dog.

Ron walked away from the lunatic woman and her dog, straight up to the Oval office. George and Laura Bush were sitting there, drinking white grape juice and discussing the finer points of Hey Arnold.

"Well, I think that Helga is the most amusing on the show," said Mrs. Bush. 

"I agree," said George Dubya. "But that Phoebe girl is annoying."  


Ron cleared his throat. "Um, excuse me," he said. George and Laura looked up. When they saw Ron, they started laughing uncontrollably. 

"Um, excuse me," Ron said. "I'm sorry to interrupt your, um, wonderful conversation, but your government turned one of my best friends into a brain-sucker. That's not very nice!"

But the Bushes couldn't hear him, they were laughing far too hard.

So Ron walked around Washington, thinking about why everyone was laughing at him. Sad music plays in the background. "Kevin's Song" by the GooGoo Dolls is a good one.

Suddenly, Ron figured it out. He had a chronic disease called hysterifitis, which makes everyone laugh at you as if you are the funniest thing since Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Ron knew that his disease would never disappear, so he went to live in a cave in Outer Mongolia, where he ate only purple berries and wore only a tunic made out of his own hair. (Before he could grow that hair, he had to wear nothing. Bwahaha.) He died 53 years later, alone and friendless.

The End! 

(Now wasn't that a happy ending?)


End file.
